Don's Collection of Wolf Jokes

The Wolves Within

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice.... "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt great hate for those who have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It's like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die.

"I have struggled with these feelings many times.

"It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. But...the other wolf... ah! The littlest thing will send him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all of the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.

"Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."

-- A Native American tale told many times around the Sacred Fire

Three Squaws

Three Indian squaws are about to give birth and consult the Medicine Man for advice. The Medicine Man tells them to give birth on the hide of an animal whose characteristics they want to see in their offspring.

The first squaw gave birth on the hide of a Lion to give her son the bravery of a Lion. She had a brave son.

The second squaw gave birth on the Wolf's hide to give her son the wisdom of a Wolf. She had a wise son.

The third squaw gave birth of the hide of a Hippopotamus and had twin sons that were both brave and wise.

This is yet another proof of the Pythagorean theorem where the squaw of the Hippopotamus equals the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Chased by a Wolf

A Wolf was chasing a Lamb, which took refuge in a temple. The Wolf urged it come out of the precincts, and said, "If you don't, the priest is sure to catch you and offer you up in sacrifice on the altar."

To which the Lamb replied, "Thanks, I think I'll stay where I am. I'd rather be sacrificed any day, than be eaten up by a Wolf."

Like a Wounded Wolverine

At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment were getting zapped constantly.

The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem.

He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration. A big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.

The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "you should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait," yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are the head. You might give me something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

""Congratulations. What's it about?

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

""Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.

Politically Correct Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house--not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obviuous Freudian imagery did not intimidate her.

On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop you own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."

From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have--only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."

It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of the bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they livid together in the woods happily ever after.

SOURCE: Politically Correct Bedtime Stories. James Finn Garner. MacMillan Publ. Co.: NY. 1994

The Unknown Ancestor Addiction

Dear ----,

I have spent several years looking for family information and have, as of this week, decided that I am a descendent of the family branch called UNKNOWN.

I find kazillions with the names of my branches but my branches don't seem to attach to any trees in the known world. Therefore, I have concluded that there are three ways in which the UNKNOWNS originated:

1. We were sent to the colonies by the British government in the 1700's to spy. We so excelled in the art of blending in with the flora and fauna that no one knew we were here...even the British lost contact with us.

2. We were dropped off here by one of the space ships that some think visited our planet. Again, we were outstanding in the ability to blend in and so were never noticed. Somewhere down the line someone forgot to tell us that we are from another planet. I think the space ships some people report seeing and being captured by, are our true family and they are looking for us to take us home.

3. Immaculate conception...which explains itself.

4. I really don't exist. I am but a figment of someone's imagination but don't know who that someone is.

I am very frustrated as you can tell. Do you have a section in this area for us UNKNOWNs to apply to families for adoption so that we can attach our tiny branch buds and belong to some tree...any tree?

Written by: Mary Ann Bartlett

Politically Incorrect Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you friggin' leave me alone??? I'm trying to take a shit!"

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